Shutting the blog down.  No point in it anymore.  I have a cell phone and e-mail address.  Once I get my life back in order and on track and find out where me and my little man will call home next.  Maybe then I'll return to blogging untill then.  I don't have the time or the energy.  

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I had a great trip to California. Can't say it was totally drama free. But I think it's impossible to have absolutely none. I love my friends, love my family. And wow how much easier it is to not make my choices based upon what I think others want me to do for them. Here are some pics from my trip home. For the first time in a long time I really didn't want to leave.

Me & Danielle

Me & Dawn

Dawn & I again

Some of my favorite people

My female soul mate. LOVE HER!!!!!

Totally been happy in my choices and independence and is letting no person define me, my relationships, or my life.

Amy Lately = )

Lately life has been keeping me on my toes. Not only in motherhood and parenting but in my personal battles. So much going on so much I could write but no one would want to read anything that long. Love my guilty conscience and hate it at the same time. My closest friend tells me it's what's beautiful about me what she loves this passion I have for others. How much love and how much I care about other people and always try to think of any ones feelings but my own. And even if there totally in the wrong I seem to always find some way I did something wrong that might justify there not so nice behavior towards me.

But lately I've been trying really hard to be more selfish. To think of me and my son and my feelings. To stand up for what's right in our lives and let the pieces fall where they may. What a hard task that is and I've found it's easier said than done. And with venting and saying things I feel sorry for my loved ones who've had to journey down this path with me and hear me hurt on a regular basis. Sometimes it's harder to watch than it is to go through it.. But I'm grateful for the tremendous amount of love and support I have in my life from these people.

One of my best friends comes tomorrow night I'll get a little piece of home with me for a whole week. This just melts my heart. The thought of someone who really knows me. Who has spent so much time being a part of my life and knows all my flaws and what's great about and loves me like a sister. How blessed I am to have a few people like this in my life.

Lately life has been crazy for me, for one I have no camera these pictures were taken when my man's mom was out last week. And two there's just a lot in the works of fixing myself and my relationships. But I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm not stressing about blogging or the little things. Trying my best to stay focused on the positive and the important. And not get side tracked by everyone else and trying to fix them instead of myself. Anyways, here's some pictures that were taken last week enjoy.

Naked tooshie!

Goofing off

My monkey

bath time

Loving the big people shoes

Daddy and Aiden

Finding sea shells

Me and the love of my life my son

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not look for allies in life's battlefield but to my own strength. Let me not cave in."

Boundaries

Well I definitely am starting to set boundaries in my life now. Remember this post? I'd like to come visit soon. I've been wanting to visit for a while. But that post is all the reasons of why I'd rather not go. I must say it's bitter sweet going home, I want to stay longer always, I want to see more people, I want to fit more things in my already packed schedule. I want everyone to feel equally loved and like they've had a equal share of my time. But going home with that mind set is just crazy and impossible. It is IMPOSSIBLE to make everyone happy. And well I just need to accept that and move on.

So this time I've promised myself that I won't try to get everything done that I need to. I'm not going to see every single person I can and I certainly will not feel bad about it or let anyone make me feel guilty about my choices. My vacation, my time, my life. I'm taking it back. I've lived for too long being a people pleaser. I've always lived my life to try to make everyone around me happy but no matter how hard I've tried it's never seemed to be enough. There's always someone angry or hurt. And frankly I just don't have the room in my heart or my head to harbor those crappy feelings any longer.

I just don't have the energy to do it anymore. Now my life will be about being healthy mentally, emotionally, healthy relationships and what I can or can't handle. To me these are my boundaries, this is my line in the sand. It's not to be mean or harsh but to simply protect my own sanity. Because my life before this was insane. There's no other way to describe it. How refreshing to be able to go to my first nar anon meeting and learn that I'm not the only one!
And how amazing to have others call it crazy and say that it's impossible. Because I was truly living thinking I'm super woman and even though I know I will probably fail well I'm going to still try to make everyone happy it's simply just purely utterly flipping crazy! Thank goodness I met someone who could verbalize it in a way that I could hear it and put it into action in my life.

In all the chaos and destruction that's come about in recent choices of family members in my life, I feel as though I've been blessed to have the blind fold taken off. "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.... I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see."
And even though regularly since I started this journey I get to see pretty regularly how screwed up some of my choices have been and how skewed my perceptions were and still are. How beautiful to be able to see it recognize it and make a conscious choice to change! How blessed I am to see and be able to change.

Parking, Counters, and such

Wow, wow what a day. I spent 45 minutes driving in circles in good old down town Orlando. Nothing but one way streets bars, clubs, and high priced 5 star restaurants.

The funny thing is I've driven to the court house before for fix it tickets. (I always never seem to have my insurance in my car or registration) But I guess the police like me because normally I've gotten pulled over for speeding... Oops!
Anyways, back on track. So the few times I've driven down there the first time I was towed and the second I re-found my parking spot with the meters and made sure I had change for them so no problem. This time it was circles and circles and 45 minutes of left left left until well there was my little meter open parking spot!

So up to the court house through the doors and I'm thinking well it's past one so all the lunch rush people must be gone. WRONG. I waited just in the security line for 20 minutes. Then up to the third floor to that room for the second time in two weeks. Mind you the person I spoke with last week misinformed me. She told me to accomplish my task it would cost me $295.00. Yes two hundred and ninety five dollars, which is two hundred and ninety five dollars I do not have well because I am currently a stay at home mom.

A stay at home mom who has a small glimmering hope that she might be able to be re-hired with her old company but other than that small hope I have 0 money of my own once again that is a big fat zero. So I don't know who's more to blame the woman for not informing me that they have something called a affidavit indigent form which is sort of like a payment plan. Or if it's my fault for not asking if they had any such thing. I think personally that after she saw the expression on my face when she told me the cost that she should have offered it to me, instead of letting me spill my sob story and walk out of that forsaken building empty handed and in tears.

Anyways, today I called and asked if I could get some sort of assistance or if they could wave it. And when I hit that third floor off the elevators to go into that room where people are demanding lots of sad sad things for sad sad reasons the room where I believe all the broken relationships and moms who had children with men who aren't doing there part or men with mothers who took off, or divorces, or men who beat there wives, I really didn't want to walk in that room. It's sad and I don't like to sit in that room with these people and there angry sad broken relationships.

So I took my ticket and sat down patiently for another 15 minutes. As you can imagine I was not excited when I got called. But low and behold I had a nice gentleman who was patient with me and took the time to explain to me everything in great detail. I continually apologized for not coming in to the place more educated on my rights on the matter but he assured me not to worry. Just a few things there, sign this, write your address here, that there, some more information here, and some long bouts of typing on his computer and the occasional question from me, or him to I and well then thankfully and happily I was finished!

All I had to do last was head down to floor two hand over my paper work from nice man on third floor to woman in first floor saying you're all finished! And this is me leaving the court house I have scrunch face because it's really windy out. But this is a face of a liberated, happy, accomplished woman. At least that's how I felt.

God is GOOD

I've been blessed enough to bare witness to lots of action in and around my life. I believe that a lot is due to prayer, some to choice and understanding then with that action. With that said, this my blog and I'm going to write what I want. I see so much hope in a family member and am so glad this person is being helped I know my prayers are being answered. I looked up a local Al-Anon meeting in my area and can't wait to attend. I've attended a few meetings this will be my first Al-Anon meeting, no it isn't for me well not in an exact way in a round about way I feel God put these events in motion in my life to show me things to show me where choices lead us.

And not only the meetings, but in having a child and trying to find a way to make a marriage work or just getting the two of us to the altar to commit to each other in front of God for eternity. Wow!! What blessings to have had these things happen to me at 25 instead of 45 and learning it in the middle of a nasty divorce! Am I paying for others mistakes in life? Oh hell yes I am, and dam it I am angry about it. It infuriates me to see that I am paying for another persons choices and know that I am paying the consequences for them. And like someone told me I have a right to that anger, to that frustration, to cry or yell about it. But I am also paying the consequences for my own mistakes. We truly do all effect one another in our choices! I've learned absolutely how important it is to realize how true this is. But I am also seeing what a blessing it is to finally have my eyes open to it all.

More than that how amazing to have my eyes opened, to have the hope that maybe I can open someone elses eyes that maybe hopefully there are others I might be able to take on this journey with me of healing and growing?! I am excited because someone close to my heart has agreed to attend with a Ala-non meeting with me. What a wonderful feeling to have that support to hear the exictement in my family members voice when they found out I was attending meetings now. I'm so happy and grateful to be this persons cheerleader! I have a few things I think I'd like to say on my blog even though I have maybe 5 readers or less maybe more they just lurk around don't know, don't care. I figure hey I'll say it and put it out there because this is my space. My personal/public journal to vent on and I am the only author so there you have it.

I wasn't raised Christian, in fact I was raised Catholic/Presbyterian I however would like to consider myself a Christian though I am sure there are people out there who would say I don't quite fit the mold because well I'm not a part of a group, I don't go to church every Sunday, I don't read the bible in fact well there are a lot of things and sermons and quotes from the bible I've been read to but nope I've never read it. I probably don't do a lot of things I could or should be doing. But dang it my hearts there. It's in the right place, and I try to be the best dang person I can be for myself, for my child and for those around me.

But I would just like to say that outside of a few maybe one or two people I've met, that I think there's a lot of us who preach helping others but would never extend a hand to an outsider. I feel out casted by a lot of christian bloggers and christians some even non christian people and I'm sure it's a lot of my own insecurities but I'd like to at least state that in a religion where we talk about loving, and not judging, and helping others to find God I feel a lot of people sure do not live up to that. There are definitely clicks out there and they aren't always standing around looking for people to save. And that's okay someone told me not to judge the religion based on others mistakes or actions. Hell if we all looked at all the screwed up people in religion and made our choices in faith based upon that I doubt there would be many people attending church or preaching the word of the lord out there anymore.

At this point I'm not ready for that anyways. I have a long way to go in my faith and I have yet to find a church that suits me. In fact untill I square away a few other things in my life, sometimes church makes me really angry at the loved ones around me, when I was going on a regular basis I started to resent those around me whom I thought weren't living up to the "proper life style" of a person of faith. And that is not how I want to feel in my faith. I refuse to be the one walking around pointing fingers so I needed to take a step back and re evaluate those feelings and those problems. Bottom line my walk is different just like everyone else's and I know that in God's time and my own time and hopefully our time together I'll get there.

But hey I feel better saying that, and that being said, I think it's interesting the moment I touch on a faith subject, a deep subject, a controversial subject that the readers scatter they don't comment. I guess before I let myself go out on a rant about my frustrations of the christian bloggers, christians, and people in general I should get back on subject.

Through out all of this I'm happy to have been given a friend through the blog world. It's refreshing when you meet someone who can say to you that they've been there experienced exactly what you're going through. Thank you for encouraging me and offering to be my cheerleader.

Thank you for not ignoring me and reaching out, for e-mailing me back right away, for listening and making the effort to make a phone call, for not judging me on my age, on the fact that I had a child out of wedlock, or that I am not actively involved in a church or a group, thank you for still making a complete non self seeking effort in my direction. Even if it was only to simply let me know that there are people of God who are out there, who aren't judging or ignoring, who persevere, who are loving and helping someone like me a complete stranger for nothing but the greater good that you might help me build closer healthier relationships with not only God but all of my friends and family. Thank you for helping me be a little less insecure in my convictions and letting me know that my wants and needs are not silly or rediculous to ask of anyone.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you!!!!!!!!

I've realized God has put things in motion in my life and those around me that has made me stop and prioritize my life well at least try to. I'm focusing on the tasks at hand. I love to blog have tons to blog about but there's this blogging line in the sand that I've drawn and things I'd rather not post on the internet. Everything's fine here just focusing on family and what's important, should be back up with the quirks of my 18th month old and I soon. Oh I have been delighted with the early terrible two's I think how fun! (heavy sarcasm)

I know what they meant when they all told me "Oh trust me you can wait till they start walking." Really where did my little baby go? Well he's throwing rocks in the pool, or picking up dirty dog food with ants all over it, or pressing buttons on the T.V. he knows he's not suppose to, or pulling things down he shouldn't like full cups of water, and runs around saying "cookie" while holding his hand up to me every time I head into the kitchen, yelling at the top of his lungs seriously I think just to hear himself, grabbing things and running off with them then throwing them as soon as Dad or I try to grab them from him...

Truly these are the joys of motherhood. All the crazy complicated bumps in the road considered I'm still so blessed in my life and am still thanking God and counting all the precious gifts I've been given.
Be back soon. = )

Aiden vrs Doja

It's kind of sad that my son can figure out how to use the doggy door before the dog can.



Yep that's my naked man!

See him in action!

He takes his sippy cup and drinks a little then pours out all the contents and makes a big mess.
Takes his toys or other objects and chases the dog around and hits her with them
Then won't go to sleep unless I rock him like a infant and then cries when i try to put him down in his crib
Climbs on things he's not suppose to that are dangerous

And then other times he's like this:

Sometimes he plays nicely with the dog and doesn't pull her ears.

And sits and watches T.V. quietly

And eats happily

And even kisses his little cousins sweetly.

So I think we've entered the early terrible two's or my child has multiple personalities. Oh how fun all of this is, and the sad thing is I have feeling it hasn't even really begun yet!
I have some video to upload later then you can really see it in action!

Early terrible two's?

I think I've entered the early terrible two's with Aiden. He throws himself down on the floor and throws fits and fights any type of sleep whether it be nap time or night time. He doesn't listen and deliberately tests my patience when I tell him no. He wants to be held all the time again when just a month ago he would sit happily on the couch with me and cuddle now if I try to do he climbs down throws himself on the floor and starts crying till I pick him up. Ah the joys of motherhood!

I guess they start early

Already doing manly things like scratching his butt right in front of me. And you gotta love the plumbers crack too!

It's the simple things in life

How easily entertained they are when there little.
He's got a whole BIG box full of toys and he plays with his box and his train.

Aiden's 1st hair cut!

I know a lot of you wanted me to wait but his hair was WAY too long. I have all his little curls in a zip lock bag and will ship the locks of hair out to anyone who wants one (Mom, Sherry, Lisa). I have a video of the whole thing, and some pictures. Leave me a comment and let me know you stopped by.

Before

After

First Sea Shells

Me, Aiden and O'ma went to cocoa beach on Monday. Aiden helped us pick up sea shells and place them in a bag to take home. The ocean's little treasures. I love sea shells. The tide was all the way out and it was a very relaxing day. Probably the most relaxing day I've had in a very long time. I'm glad O'ma got to share this moment with Aiden and I. When he's older will be able to sit and tell him about the first sea shells he ever collected that day on the beach.

Aiden putting the sea shells he found in the backpack

8 seconds of video before the camera crapped out.

Big boy with out his bath seat

This is the first week for Aiden with out his bath seat. He cried and cried and cried for the first few days but he's finally adjusted and happy. The video was taken with my camera phone and I have no flash installed on this computer so I hope you guys can all see the short video.
Enjoy!